And I probably made it worse because every time he did something bad, and we fought I would really blast him and make him more insecure. After he came back from his 2 week rendezvous with her, he came back to live in our home as though nothing had happened. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. Or errands. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. She snuck back into town and it all started up with a vengeance. Tell him that this is not what you expected when you married and had children. He is being selfish. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. It was totally not him and I was confused because I thought she had left town with another man. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. Ive always been a quick fixer so its hard to give her space. It I held my ground for months. He only associates with shady characters he knows will agree with him and who dont know us well enough to filter through his BS. Living the single life. It is SO BIZARRE. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. I thanked him for apologizing. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. Its indifference. WebIt is actually very common once the affair fog lifts and they see their affair partner in everyday real life. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. Then everything started to make sense. He took advantage one time too many. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. He eventually cut her off and I went back to him (well after falling off the deep end, booze drugs, sex and even tried out a relationship). the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. Am I making myself too available? Let him try and shovel that crap now he looks back and admits he was a jerk!!! You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. I am just totally losing myself. To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. Im not stopping you or controlling you. You are not forgetting. He works hard every day to make amends. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. My experience (and for so many beyrayed spouses) is the same as yours. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Cannot last. When they err not around I did but it is a living hell living in a marriage that is disintegrating and you cannot do anything. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. You were hurting me, but I wasnt aware of it. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. I dont want to lose myself. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. We live as roommates. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. He KNOWS he is free to go. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. She was surprised and said OK. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. Turns out that was all a ploy to get me off the scent. You have every right to decide what YOUR life should look like. But he had already ended the A. I dont know if my D him had any impact b/c he could have taken that opportunity to leave me to be with the OW (or anyone else for that matter) but he chose to stay. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes? We discussed him getting his own place might work out better. He didnt know what he wanted. STOP focusing on what HES doing. I told him he told me he would give me money weekly and finish the things around the house and he hasnt stuck to his word. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. Right now you are fearful of losing him. I dont know. When I told him I was D him well reality set in and he realized he took ME for granted. So now the OW wont even allow him to have anything to do with me, including any civil relationship so we can raise our kids. I AGAIN accused him of talking to OW, he swore he isnt, hasnt, doesnt want to. Get a lawyer. It is horrific but I cannot imagine it with a newborn baby. And part of me believes him, and part of me thinks you may be right about a possible different woman. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. How jaded this makes us. He was rude and nasty and everything was my fault his unhappiness was all my fault. like you said, I cannot change him. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. You are free to make your own decision. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. Even when the girl came back I fought for him. But acting them out is a whole other story. A partner. But with a plan B in place, a change in power and control in your marriage and the ability to stand up for what YOU and want, you can have a happy marriage. That is why I say As are like addictions. You MUST have a plan B. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. It was a combination of things. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. I went in my own for years. If he goes running off to the OW well that is on him!!! I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. I can tell from what you have posted you truly understand this is all his doing. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. I know how maddening that is. I responded to his text saying You want a different life, and you should go live it. And I believe it is because he is lying still. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. It can be turned around. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. I dont know. but it was the more i try to get her to see she was pulling a family apart and 2 kids lives. And when I do go home and he is there, he is so short with me as if I annoy him or have done something wrong. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). And there was nothing I could do. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. Shes destroyed several marriages during her 30+ year career there) on his cell phone log. Its always women. It is powerful. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. I did not mean to imply you should file for D. But know what your options are in the future. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. Part of me is TERRIFIED that I will start to solely focus on me and the baby and stop asking him questions about what hes up to, and he will take advantage of that and start doing whatever he wants as if hes not married and start to enjoy it and fall more and more out of love with me. YOU let him contact you. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. The whole six months I thought we were R. IF you end up having to tell him the M is over, YOU NEED A PLAN. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. My therapist saved my sanity and was a good fit. He wont get counseling. I begged pleaded discussed etc. I am not sure how this works. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. This will never work. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. But you man up and be real. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. So your H has chosen a different lifestyle. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. I was very calm and rational. That is your next step after plan B is in place. It comes first. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. Lol. If thats what he wants then he should go have it, bc I know im better than all of it. I dont even think he thinks about this the way I do. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. Normal life as far as they could tell. You need to get strong in your marriage by having self confidence and the willingness to change. Im TERRIFIED he is lying to me and is going to go somewhere to see her. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. But I told him to go and be with her if he thought he could fix her. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again and our friendship. He finally gets it. Seriously?! And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. His actions are showing you what he wants. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. I am moving on and focusing on my self. The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. Living like hes single but still getting to come home to me and the baby every night. I dont want to live with my husband and father of my child just bc it makes it easier, even though he may be emotionally cheating still and im getting no affection, im walking on egg shells, I dont feel loved by any means. The funny thing is I feel like that started happening when I shifted my focus on my own well being and took a bit of a step back from it all. I read things that say you have more power than you think, but I seriously feel powerless. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. Even though I know thats whats best, and I told him I do know that. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just I left him but he never stopped contacting me. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Im sure thats all I will hear from him today. And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. It finally got through. No caring respectable H does that and I would venture to say the OW has been lurking in your M the past few months. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. I have seen this scenario many times w/ my friends. Maybe he thinks I will just always be here even though I truly wont. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. I tell him its not appropriate. Its not real. I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. None of this worked for me but it laid a foundation that I was willing to look past the A and move forward. And I went along with it. You need to accept it that does not mean you agree or condone it but when you accept he is a liar & cheater and stop trying to change him and therein frustrating yourself, your life will be more peaceful and calmer. Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. It was just the same life over and over again. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. We were only talkingnothing else! I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. I do not actually feel like cheating. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. Then soon after that we started to have sex again, then things started to move back to us being together again and I think it spooked him as soon as I pressured him to not be out too late and stick to his word about things. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. Suggestion on a new approach: speak with a professional. Much better. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . I hope that it is. 1. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. Do that a few times and see what happens. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. But I think for so many spouses/partners, you can tell the CS the A is over. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. I have not always been the best partner. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. Then he saw the OW again and I found out and made him leave. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. And they looked like fools. In the last 7 months he has moved out, moved back, moved out again, tried starting over with me, swore to never speak to her, spoke to her, had relations with her, tried to work things out with me, moved out again, etc etc. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. When I do go do things, I know hes curious, but hes very good at not asking questions and trying to act like he doesnt care, but I can tell things get to him. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. They may think they won. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. We have all been in your shoes. EVERYTHING seems fine until I start to think about the OW and the fact that he may still be talking to her and disrespecting me to my face. You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. Hold your head up and be strong. Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. Or stop him from cheating. He basically blew me off and just kept saying ok whatever ok whatever. I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. I just dont know how much longer this can last. My H unleashed 25 years of anger and frustration at me while in the fog. I acted pretty blah to him today. I really hope I have done whats right. Hahahahaha asking someone to call if they are going to be 4 hours late is so off the Wall. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Its OK IF he doesnt know what he wants. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. Regroup. Its hurtful what you are living with. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. However, these crises can often be associated with No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. So I appeased him b/c I did not think we would last and I wanted my financial protection. Everytime I start getting over that feeling and starting to love him again, he accuses me of cheating, I get angry and irritated and I go find comfort in someone else. One who can guide you through this storm. And I believed it. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. I am going to go speak to a therapist, I think that will help. Wait and see what happens. c. You also tell him that you have noticed that the two of you are on two different paths. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. I guess my fustration is with the lack of conscience. im just so confused. He states he has no communication with her, he has no desire to speak to any women right now, but he also is exhausted by us and doesnt want to work on us. My question is this, Someone that is continually making the same poor decisions, will they come out of the FOG?? Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. They believe this new love is real. I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. I dont want to be around him. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. And he understood. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. 2. She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. We were both really mad. What is that about? I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. We shouldnt be so hard on ourselves.I know what I know now about affairs. Mark. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. Why did you literally WASTE the prime time that the window was wide open for reconciliation, instead of literally waiting to really get it when the window was closed down to the last millimeter, only furthers the feeling that Im completely taken for granted and will likely never know the truth. Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! If I would have confronted you with the phone calls and you ended it, it would have been so much easier to forgive. You are tired of living in limbo. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. I see something online the OW posts and I just get completely set off. I think that is the only advice I can give. But my prior post to you was he wants a M on his terms only. But he lets his anger take over. I so badly dont want to be disrespected by him so I am assuming things and (like him and her talking) and I am flipping out, in hopes he will see I wont be a doormat, but then a day later I calm down and I want him around and I am more myself. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. I became my mother. Its like the more we live like roomates, the more his feelings for me will dwindle I feel. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. And do not mention the OW for now. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! You Hs r to stop thinking like that. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. I think that woke you up a little bit. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. It peaked my suspicion enough that I went to the cell store and asked for as far back as they could go with detailed logs. He says hes not, he says its so hard, but he seems totally fine, whereas I pretend to be fine but im falling apart inside. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. But theres nothing I can do. But now you are in limbo. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. When we met I had just graduated college, gotten a good job, I was starting my life and he was impressed by me. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. I need to get a grip. I know down the road he would regret it. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. But its also a part of life, schedules, things going on that we should be a part of TOGETHER. And 99% of that mentoring time is spent with betrayed spouses (usually female). Until DDay2 and I found his A continued. And when I get sick and tired of it, I will plan my next move then. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. he can live whatever life he wants, and for some reason it does make me feel better. HORRIBLE. The old line love you but not in love with you. But part of me just puts so many random puzzle pieces together and thinks he is lying. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker.

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